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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet