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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.