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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.