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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.