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You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Your personality needs alcohol.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.