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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"