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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.