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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.