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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.