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I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.