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I only accept apologies in cash.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.