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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I was born at a very early age.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.