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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack