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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.