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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.