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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.