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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.