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I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..