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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M