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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.