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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.