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Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.