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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."