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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.