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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.