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To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.