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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."