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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.