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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?