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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.