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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.