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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.