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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.