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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.