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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours