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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.