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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.