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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle