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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I drink to make other people interesting
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.