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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.