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never be afraid to wipe twice
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Condoms prevent minivans.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.