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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.