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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.