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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?