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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.