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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?