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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.