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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...