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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."