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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time