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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.