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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.