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Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Save time. See it my way.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment