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Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"