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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.