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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Tieam... problem solved
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.