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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Survival rule #1: You go first.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?