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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.