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People will do odd things to get even.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.