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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.