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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.