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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Carfax but for people
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.