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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.