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New day, same old bullsh!t
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."