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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."