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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.