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That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
The word bed looks like a bed.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.