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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"