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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.