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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.