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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.