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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.