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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data