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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Save water- shower with me!
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.