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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
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It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
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Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
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FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
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There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
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Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
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B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
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Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.
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I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
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