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I just called. To say. I texted you.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.