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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.