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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.