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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Never trust a skinny chef
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?