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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*