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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.