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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.