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It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.