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A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.