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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.