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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches