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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!