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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.