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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.