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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(