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Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
My life is based on a true story
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist