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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?