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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.