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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.