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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.