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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”