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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.