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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.