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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?