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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.