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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.