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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.