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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.