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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional