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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
´s status message is better than yours
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.