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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.